Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Papa

I've begin to doubt my writing. People hasn't really listened or what I'm writing isn't working at all. I'm trying my best to to what I can. I can't seem to have a bit of fate or faith in my mind after i lost my father. My Papa. My very handsome and honorable man in my life. I want to tell all of you about him. Things that my sister didn't write about him on her blog. Things no one can see because these was through my eyes and my heart for my papa.

Papa,
He was not like any other dad in the world. He would buy cigars and smoked them. On of his favorite things to do in the whole universe is his cigars. But i remembered when i grew up, another favorite past time of him was actually tonic. Papa loves to drink tonic and i didn't know why. I still don't know why. Papa was ill, he had diabetes, kidney problems and high blood pressure. So I guess it was good that he didn't die in the hospital with tubes in and out of him. I wouldn't want that. I wouldn't want him to suffer. I'm grateful that Allah has taken papa peacefully and that he didn't suffer or scream or anything you see in movies that involves people dying. He left us for good now. I know he is waiting for us there somewhere I hope he is waiting for me. I am very eager to meet him again. I can only see him in the next 40 or so years to come if i am blessed with life. I know papa is blessed with his life. People say Allah has taken papa early because Allah loves him and Allah doesn't want papa to see what the future might come or how bad everything will be. I am too because if the future has anything bad or worse coming our family way, I really don't want papa to see it. It would hurt him as it would to me. I know papa is watching over us. He is now watching me write all this just for him. Just for my love towards him. Nothing else.

You see, i remember him clearly. Very much. He is a man with dignity and passion. He loved us all, just he didn't show it. I guess it's because we were too much or we were so many. 13 of us to be exact! including him! That is so much for him to handle and I know why he didn't show any emotions because we were a pain in the ass or he was tired. He is ill but he was young only 57 years old. In the whole family, I am the only one who has the exact resemblance of him. Everyone said so. "OHHH! You look just like Him." as i recall i am a bit like him! I'm lazy, always tired, like history and i like to sleep. So does he! hahaha see the exact resemblance.

Papa, was only moody or angry that's because people would always fuss him with troubles and he was only sick and need massages to calm the pain down. I never told anyone anything but in the recent years i wanted to give part of my kidney to him. The time never come and now i can't do so anymore because he is gone. I remembered all the things i wanted to do with him. I wanted to graduate and have him to dance with me with the song called Leaving on a jet plane. I always thought that if he grow old i would take care of him and mama, and i would take them on trips especially to Makkah. or I would cook him the food he wants and just save him for all despair he had coming. I just wanted to save him for everything! I just didn't know how.

I didn't regret on losing him. I did what i could when he was alive. I told him I love him and that i protected my mom and be by her side when he is gone. Now, he is gone. I can't quite move on because part of me is missing part of me who is looking for love and acknowledgment so much is found but he is gone. My papa is gone and he is peacefully sleeping. I went looking for what I thought was love but it turns out he did loved me and he sacrifice everything for me. I know he is in a better place and that he is no longer ill or sick and I made me happy knowing that he is resting in peace. A part of me will always need him and part of me says, move on and stop dreaming that one day you wake up and he's there standing at your door saying "Aya! Bangun!" it means aya wake up! i have to accept the pain and grieve that stricken me and move on. But he won't be lost in my mind or my life. He is always beside me.

I want him and all of the world to know, how much I love my papa. And how much he means to me. I would cherish every bit of memory i got left of him to move on and let life takes its toll with me. I remembered him smiling, smoking his cigars, eating, and how he sleeps. I remember everything. I just want to have time to spend with him. That's all. For the time lost and for the time that is now gone. Papa, You are my father who embraced me and give me strength. I love you for all that you've done and for all you've made me today.

I love you papa! Always and Forever.
Dato' Sulaiman Bin Samat.
I am proud to say i am your beloved daughter and I am going to make you proud.
We will be seeing each other soon in times to come.
Semoga Arwah Papa Dicucuri Rahmat dan semoga Allah mengampuni Dosa-Dosa Papa.
I love you!

This is never a goodbye just a small time apart from each other. I will always believe that we will meet with each other soon. Till we meet again my dear beloved father.

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