Friday, June 18, 2010

Baklava!

Hello Candy!

SOrry I tried to get the picture of the pancake I said earlier but it was so hard to resist temptation so I ate it without thinking about taking a picture of it!! Ughh very DELICIOUS!! However, prior to the happiness and excitement I am deeply tired and exhausted! Well, I did tell you that I was going only to the police station and KlCC right??? Haha I went to Ikea too! I bought a new small table for my Lovely Oven! and baking tins, mixing bowls, brushes, spatula and rolling pin. Finally! My collection of baking items is complete! Now I can do what I love to do best! Cooking! Yea... Anyways, finally I have the courage to actually make baklava! I didn't make it yet! I'm gonna and this time I'll promise you there will be a picture! finger are crossed!

On the other hand though, on Wednesday me and mama visited papa's grave again this time we bought flowers that were beautiful and magnifique! I have photos! I'll post it later! When I was there, I couldn't go to him because of some obvious reason that I AM A Girl! So I had to stay away, it didn't do great. I saw mama crying while praying for papa and when she put the flowers on this grave, the tears just kept coming and coming. I didn't know what to do but I too was crying! I guess for some obvious reasons it's because we looked at Papa's Facebook photos. It seem like yesterday he was here and GOD that really hurts. I almost cried at the Cyber Cafe and so did Mama. She look at the photos and she kept looking at them. I know her feelings. It devastated her and it also killed me to see her like this. The love of her life is gone! I can't say much because that's my father. It really dawns to me how and why he left us this early! I kept asking those question to my self and I just want to know why? why? why? Can anyone tell me why he left us early?? I know it's fate but is there any other reason??? I miss him deeply! It's like punishment for me!

I know my feelings are mixed up and downs, hypers and insane! but I really didn't realize how he meant towards us for us to us until he left that day. I didn't want to believe it! I still don't want to believe it! For me he is just on a holiday but that's wrong. It's so wrong! People told me, we have to move on and live but I can't just move on and live knowing what he is missing on me and life with me. I just can't think about how he is missing on everything he built for my life and my family life. He was the reason why everyone sticks together and no one realized it until he left. He was the pillar of our whole family. My whole life was to ensure he is proud of me. I want to make him proud of me! I'll try my best! But I can't promise anything because I'm still in shocked my self.

Today, I saw an old friend. A really old friend. She said that ever since Papa left, I wasn't myself and that I looked happy and cheerful. Honestly, I really don't know my life now. I just want him to be ok that's all. The old friend was actually the old me. Hehe... Mama asked me a question, a very shocking and unexpected question. She asked me have I ever thought papa was going to live until 80 or 90? or something like that. I answered "off course! I was imagine taking care of both of them and loving and nursing them. To pay back what they gave up for me." She said "We didn't even see it. Now he is no longer here." I know it hurt her but I can't do anything for now. Her happiness is gone and that shine she always hide is also gone because Papa was always the shining knight for mama.

I always believe it. Always

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