Friday, June 25, 2010

Hello Candy.

I'm not depressed or sad. I'm just lost in translation. I don't want to fight for anything anymore. I already have what I want and that is to ease Mama's life and burdden. Even if I got any money from anywhere, I would give it up for her or maybe pay the car payment. I wouldn't want to fight and have people agonizing me or giving me advices that isn't worth it. I'm not saying I don't listen to any advices. I do. I just don't like it when people just think of themselves instead of the other. Think about other people. Think about how life is when you're in lost. Mama always said to me that

"if you alleviate other people life, Allah will alleviate your life too"


For me that's the truth. I don't want people to feel burden because of me, or people to be sympathetic of me. Just be you and let me be me. I am what I am. Don't nag or complain, It's not nice to do so.

Thank you for any of you who are nice to me. I really appreciate it. It means a lot.
Hello Candy!

I've been MIA recently haven't I?? Well to be honest, I wasn't MIA. I was actually online and have been thinking all sort of things. I'll list down all those things!

1. My mom
= who is going to take care of her while I'm gone? Who is going to cook for her? care for her? massage her? stay by her side when she is sleeping? laugh with her watching korea? go shopping with her? just be there for her?? I have a heavy burden of leaving her and I want people to at least come and visit her or just maybe spent time with her. I really don't want to leave her like this. I don't. Honestly, she is my priority. I've made my promise to papa and i can't leave her. What should I DO??

2. You candy!
= I found out that people think we're both boring!! and figures actually. They think psychologically that I wrote too much or it's too much reading and less the picture they want to see. Also, They want to have a funny chemistry involved! I'm not that funny I guess. Sorry guys but I'm in no mood to be funny! I'm all stressed out. Though to my very quaint and loyal readers I hope you enjoy reading my blog as much as I do and I will try to spice up the layout AGAIN! Please though give me feedback! There's a C-box up here. If you want to comment please leave a comment.

3. I went out with yana, aten, and elia.
Yea!! First time hanging out with friends from Uniten after the incident(papa). I really miss them though. I missed yana a lot because she always made me smile with her silly jokes and her personality is like a lighting bolt! All my friends just love and adore her! She is the center of attention with laughter and spirit. Spending time with them was fun because I respect them for not talking about papa and also I think they didn't want me to be sad or have that sad moment. I love them for that! Thanks Guys! I also took pictures of them but I'll update that later.

4. Photos
= I will try to update my blog with more photos!

5. Friends and Family
= I want to show people my family! so stay tune! I will personally show all of you my family and friends. How havoc they made me feel.

Thanks candy!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

E-novel!

Hello candy!

Please check out my new blog! It's an e-novel! It has stories and something exciting! It's still new but I will try to do something and post more excitement towards it! Keep tuning in for it!

Imagine me and you

Cats! KITTTTIEEEEEE!!!



These are my follow cats that I could take their pictures of, the rest either ran away or afraid of us! Haha Enjoy looking at them.

Happy Father's Day Papa!

Hello Candy!

Sorry for being missing the past 2 days. Actually I've been busy lately. Huhh.. I promised you my Baklava, and I did upload the photo so below will be the Photo of my Baklava. However, it's a bit burned at the top as you can see but it's tasty!! yummy!! and absolutely sweeeeetttt!!! Mama said it was tooo sweet for her so she can't eat it but she said it was tasty only too much sweetness she can't handle it.



THE BAKLAVA


On saturday, we went to my cousin engagement ceremony. It was a bit awkward I have to say because they were celebrating a new person coming to their family but I'd lost one and no one can replace that. The whole thing was great environment for me and mama. We needed it a lot! We needed company and people to talk to make the sadness go away and it was a family time for all of us, though my sisters weren't there. I found out that one my cousin was already engaged and we weren't even invited to it! How could they! They food was great! They served something that was my favorite which was Nanas Masak Lemak Ikan Masin which is Pineapple cooked with Coconut milk and salted fish! Spiced Chicken, Beef Rendang and Dalca. I wouldn't know what Dalca is in english but it's tasty!! I didn't take photos of the food but I did take a Photo of my cousin in her engagement dress and the hantaran from both side of the family. The hantaran is actually like gifts you give to each sides even on nikah you have to give it. hahaha I'm not gonna think about when I'm getting married because I'm Still young and I have responsibility to do and My Papa did say I can't get married nor engaged in the near future until I graduated and got a steady job and paycheck! So yeah!



this is the picture of my cousin with her niece and the hantaran


Ohhh..
Today, Me and mama clean up space. We throw something that belong to papa that might not be a use for both of us like his medicine and I got yelled at actually because I told mama I might need to use his Insulin if i got sick or something. She yelled at me and said "AYA!!! DOn't ever say that!" I wasn't joking. I didn't feel like getting rid of his stuff! I didn't want to let go. It's going to be a month soon.


His medicine


Well I guess that's all for today Candy!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Baklava!

Hello Candy!

SOrry I tried to get the picture of the pancake I said earlier but it was so hard to resist temptation so I ate it without thinking about taking a picture of it!! Ughh very DELICIOUS!! However, prior to the happiness and excitement I am deeply tired and exhausted! Well, I did tell you that I was going only to the police station and KlCC right??? Haha I went to Ikea too! I bought a new small table for my Lovely Oven! and baking tins, mixing bowls, brushes, spatula and rolling pin. Finally! My collection of baking items is complete! Now I can do what I love to do best! Cooking! Yea... Anyways, finally I have the courage to actually make baklava! I didn't make it yet! I'm gonna and this time I'll promise you there will be a picture! finger are crossed!

On the other hand though, on Wednesday me and mama visited papa's grave again this time we bought flowers that were beautiful and magnifique! I have photos! I'll post it later! When I was there, I couldn't go to him because of some obvious reason that I AM A Girl! So I had to stay away, it didn't do great. I saw mama crying while praying for papa and when she put the flowers on this grave, the tears just kept coming and coming. I didn't know what to do but I too was crying! I guess for some obvious reasons it's because we looked at Papa's Facebook photos. It seem like yesterday he was here and GOD that really hurts. I almost cried at the Cyber Cafe and so did Mama. She look at the photos and she kept looking at them. I know her feelings. It devastated her and it also killed me to see her like this. The love of her life is gone! I can't say much because that's my father. It really dawns to me how and why he left us this early! I kept asking those question to my self and I just want to know why? why? why? Can anyone tell me why he left us early?? I know it's fate but is there any other reason??? I miss him deeply! It's like punishment for me!

I know my feelings are mixed up and downs, hypers and insane! but I really didn't realize how he meant towards us for us to us until he left that day. I didn't want to believe it! I still don't want to believe it! For me he is just on a holiday but that's wrong. It's so wrong! People told me, we have to move on and live but I can't just move on and live knowing what he is missing on me and life with me. I just can't think about how he is missing on everything he built for my life and my family life. He was the reason why everyone sticks together and no one realized it until he left. He was the pillar of our whole family. My whole life was to ensure he is proud of me. I want to make him proud of me! I'll try my best! But I can't promise anything because I'm still in shocked my self.

Today, I saw an old friend. A really old friend. She said that ever since Papa left, I wasn't myself and that I looked happy and cheerful. Honestly, I really don't know my life now. I just want him to be ok that's all. The old friend was actually the old me. Hehe... Mama asked me a question, a very shocking and unexpected question. She asked me have I ever thought papa was going to live until 80 or 90? or something like that. I answered "off course! I was imagine taking care of both of them and loving and nursing them. To pay back what they gave up for me." She said "We didn't even see it. Now he is no longer here." I know it hurt her but I can't do anything for now. Her happiness is gone and that shine she always hide is also gone because Papa was always the shining knight for mama.

I always believe it. Always

The new Little Lady Candy Land!

Hello Candy!

Grand day isn't it?? Guess what? You've changed and grown up now! a more romantic and humorous look! I hope you love it! I do! However, it doesn't feel like it's changed much but I kinda like it!

I know people want me to put like pictures on the background or movement and more up scale kinda feel but like simple, modest and sort out layout. It's more easy to handle and the HTML is not quite hard to understand! Well, it's has been a long day and night just to figure out what the blog is going to look like, the colours, the feeling towards it and of course! the wholesome image! I hope this layout sticks because it is personally the best of the best that I've seen! Okay now!

Candy! Today we have a huge plan or schedule to follow! First, we need to go to the police station to pay for my summon for accidentally talking on the phone while driving!! hahahaha!! I know stupid me! There are rules you know! Then, Me and mama have to go to KLCC to pay for another summons HUH!! from Maxis about my previous broadband! So many Summons!! Guess what?! The whole total of these amazing summons is nearly RM400!! I could buy new glasses for that!! Also! I want to eat pancakes at KLCC. There are quite delicious and very much savory and hyumm. I'll try to post picture later in the day!

Okay thats for now Candy!

PS: There will be a new blog by me soon!

Love ya!
Love papa even more!
Love mama lots more!
Love arief tons more!
Love me absolutely more!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Change!

Hello candy!

I've decided to change the layout of this blog to a new one. BUT don't worry. It's just for a while with this one. So, keep reading! I'll try to find the perfect layout and the perfect tone for my life story! PLus!! I will also start a new blog but it's like a story telling blog. It's like me telling a story or something. More likely like writing a book but only writing and E-book! so, stay tune guys!



photo by tumblr but i don't know from where.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Happiness lies within!

Hello Candy!



vintage dress


world famous design junkie

Hello Candy!

Hi~!

Sorry for being MIA all of a sudden. Well, i can tell you guys that the past day have been a havoc and tired!! We were all so tired! So to start off, I would just like to say Hello! and I miss you guys! Oh! To make a recommendation, I would actually like to make a proposal! I will now begin my blog with a few words and some might be slightly awkward but it's good! So let it begin here:

Hello Candy!

Sorry for being missing lately. I was caught up with some hectic schedule and couldn't and wouldn't ran away from it. Honestly, It was great. So to start of, On Saturday, Me, Mama, Alin and Ilham (my nephew and sister) went shopping at the morning market to buy a heaps of food for sunday Tahlil. It's my side of the family turn to do it. SO we went there at about 9.30 arrived and have breakfast. Mama had mee and Mihun Goreng for breakfast, however I had roti canai but it was instant! so it does not taste good! and the half boiled egg also suck!! bad!! but when we went to buy the stuffs I was pretty lost actually to be precise, I wasn't lost I was actually feeling as if I'm watching my self. It was weird but I felt as if Papa was with me and holding my hand. It's was great! I loved it. To make even better, we decided to cook the food he loved most! I think the spelling is Unggut Kepala masak Lemak but I can't really tell. Haha. It's actually the coconut tree cooked with the coconut milk. It's good and I loved it! Next, we had Sambal Ikan Bilis with Petai! It's Spicy Anchovy With Bitter bean or stink bean (I already checked on wikipedia!). Then we had Beef Curry, Spicy Shrimp and Soto! Soto is a malaysian style chicken soup! but we cooked it Indonesian style because my nanny Kak Sarti was the chef! All this food was for sunday!

On sunday, We had tons of problems! I had to go buy KFC 2 barrels of chicken and 10 mashed potatoes and coleslaw (5 each). So it was hard because suddenly all the KFC nearby my old home either was closed! and went missing! to make even more troublesome, I had to go searched for Tropicana Twister Orange Juice! but there were NONE!!!! Only APPLE!! HUHUHUHUHUHUHU I went from Jusco Wangsa Maju to Carrefour to Cold Storage To Jusco Keramat to 7-eleven to Ong tai Kim and well neither had it! All was finish! Finito! KAppuuttttt... so I bought 6 bottles of soft drinks and i had none! It was even more worst, I was in charge of buying flowers but it was soooo expensive! From all the place I mentioned, I had to go on searching by the street hawker. THANK YOU! there they were! and I HAD TO FOUGHT for THEM, why???? They almost ran out! huh~!!! I'm not going to brag but it's all for good cause and for my Papa. So, I was patient and tired but I did not once say bad things or curse or anything. I was just normal, tired, hungry, almost collapsed and did i mention tired?? I love u papa!

On monday!!! YEAAA!! I was sleeping till 2PM hahaha and I watched tv till 5pm and continue sleeping till 9PM watched tv till 2am and Woke up at 1Pm on tuesday sunny and noisy and very much nuisance afternoon!!!

My sister came visit me and mama, Elida. We had lunch together and watch tv together. My duties for today were to mopped and sweep the floors but I did not do it yet!! so Here i am typing all thing for you CANDY! Honestly, I'm just tired and sleeeeeepyyy...

OKay! That's it for today!

Bye candy!
Love you!
Love papa!
Love yourself!
Love me!
Love mama!
Love arief!
Love ME!!!

Going to cook and sweep and mop now!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Ali

A few minutes ago, I watched a video a friend of mine Adz post on his Facebook. His friend Ali gave him a Goodbye video because he is going back home to Saudi Arabia and it felt sort of sad for me. I thought he was no longer coming back but suddenly Arif told me that he is still coming for one more semester. Though, I still feel sad because Adz is longer coming back. He already graduated~! Today is his last and final day as a student!

Tomorrow though, my schedule is going to be easy. Tomorrow, me and mama are going for a jog and after that breakfast and later to visit papa's grave for the 9th time. I'm glad I got to visit his grave a lot because it meant a lot. I love him a lot.

I posted it on my facebook page, four people liked it and my friend Budin said that Papa is lucky to have a daughter like me. That made me feel better to know too. Everyone told me to pray for him because as a muslim, that is what our parents says. We must always pray for them and for all of us. I'd pray for him everyday!

I miss him~! One friend of mine, Aimee inbox me with a message and it sort of caught me off guard but it's good to know that I have a friend that I can relate to in life with this issue. Arif even said that he was a lot of friends like that too. Those people are also my friend. Hehe..

Thanks Guys~!

well, I guess today wonders is friendship, love and forever ever after!

Monday, June 7, 2010

I finally distort myself by being sick, ill and vomiting. I manage to be online and write what I think I am suppose to write but I really don't know. I'm not well and I'm dizzy most of the time but I want to write and tell people about my life and how I am doing. At times, i think this is great because people start to like me and love what i wrote.

A friend of mine, Iskandar Amin said that He liked what I wrote and thought of my as Brave because of what I'm going through. He even said that he sort of respected me because if he were in my situation, he wouldn't know what to do. To be honest, I don't know either. I don't know what I am doing either. I'm not sure whether I should be writing or just simply do nothing. But what Iskandar said means a lot to me. It felt as if what I wrote touches people in so many way and he felt as if it was deep.

Thanks Is!

I told you yesterday that I cried on father grave right? Today i cried again and this time I notice why I cried. If papa was around, he would say eat your medicine or take a rest. I missed that! I really do! I miss him! I'm in tears just by thinking of him! Many people, my mom and everybody else has moved on but I simply can't say. I really don't know honestly I hope no one forgotten who he is or what he meant to us or anything about him. I really wouldn't want that. Though, My mom hasn't really moved on, she will say little things about him or would simply just wear his "kain Pelekat" or his cloths. It's great that she missed him but I wouldn't want that. She scolded me once for touching Papa's stuff and said she never hold them not once! when he already left us. Not even once. The only she touches was those that meant a lot for me and her. Especially his favorite blue and white plaid shirt. He kept wearing that all day if he was here. I miss that sight! I miss that man walking around my house and would stalked the refrigerator and who is always hungry.

I always told my mom that I never regretted him passing and I told all of you too didn't I? I did what i could, what he wanted I gave, what he liked I let him have it. I miss u. Papa liked 100 Plus and Tropicana Twister, those were his favorite. The things I miss the most about him is that he would just simply take or drink or eat whatever he liked in the refrigerator. Now, there are food in there that hasn't been touch or eaten. Unfortunately, I have no appetite for it. I miss him too damn much!

sickness and very much sick

Hello!!

I can't be online that long because I am terribly ill and very much sick! At approximately 5am in the morning I vomited 5 times! 3 times near the door of my room and the other 2 is on the toilet floor. I don't know why I'm not well really I'm exhausted and tired. My back hurts! My legs can't move! On top of that! I have a fever! and I don't want to go the clinic because I have to pay tons of money for it! No! Hmmm makes me sound like a crazy maniac who is I don't know!

Plus, My brain is not functioning well so I'll talk crap most of the time!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Remembering Them We Lost

To Show honor and respect to those we love, I gave them my silence and i gave them my Prayers. In honor for those we love and lost, let's bring in the motion of not fighting and stop against war. Peace and no war should be declared, respect those who have once lived and left the world. Those who have sacrificed their live for the well being of others. Those who wanted peace in this world but never had the chance to made it. Also, to those who were abandoned, abused or tortured. Remember them in your mind and let them have their peace.

I'm sure some of you are going to ask yourself what am I saying?? Actually I really don't know but I felt an abundance of remorse and hurt, a sharp pain to my heart when I read the newspapers and watch the news. Just now, I watch the movie about Natalee Holloway. Oh my god! Why are there such people in the world? Do they act with the understanding of what they are going to lose? Everything?? I feel very hurt and burden by the fact that people would do such act. For fun or lust? Really? I can't say much because it is not my place to question them but have a bit of faith in the world. It is already destroyed with such incident. Sooner or later, everything will gone. The earth is crying and the mundane life of the humans would definitely be parish. Have a little faith. Have a little love. Have a little kindness.

In the news, I heard how the ship Rachel Corrie was taken to ashdod. I'm rather curious on why they did that? Even to the other ships, Why? What is it they are afraid of? Honestly, as a human if it was you, I think you would be angry too. Think about it, Your starving to death for food, shelter, cloth and getting warm but then suddenly someone took away your food? your shelter? you cloth? and your out there on your own with the world shivering in the cold, wet, muddy and laying on the brick and stones?? None of you would like that! None of you would want that! Everyone want to live in a wealthy home with luxury and expensive food with big cars and tons of money! Isn't that it? At least for some of these people who are suffering, they might at least like to have what they can have. A home, Food, Cloth and other thing to move on with their life. They need it too. Not just you, they want it too. They also want to live, to have a chance at life. Just think about it. Remember it.

I'm not going to continue more on it because it already hurts me so to say these next few things. Only one of them might seem rather pleasing, My mother and I went for walk or stroll at a Tasik or Pond near our home. It's fun actually to spend time with her and making her happy for once. It made me feel good to know that she wants to live a healthy and happy life. She is more hurt than I am but I want to be by her almost all the time. I want to protect her as I promised my father. She is my light, my joy, my happiness and of course she is my mother. The one who gave birth and life to me, to ensure I am happy, protected, well fed, educated, and of course alive. In return, I want to make her life easier and she might as well feel a little burden lesser than the usual. She is the only I have left that I love so much now. To be honest, I told arief that If I am like this with my father passing, I might go crazy or lost if my mother left me too.. It would devastate me! It would very much worsen my state of mind, my life, my point of view and my world would be crumbling down like earthquake. She is that important to me! THAT IMPORTANT!

Again, today i cried near my father's grave. It was unsuspected! I cried! I broke loose all those tears! I have lost my strength. I didn't know why i cried or when i started crying but when I finally realized it, it was to late. I feel ashamed because he might be watching over me and I sort of felt that He didn't want me to cry but be strong! Stronger than I can ever be! I said to him I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I am sorry! it hurt me so much! It hurt me so much to loose him, not to have him again. I didn't know why I was crying, I can't express my feelings for it, I can't say anything about it but I cried! For the first time since last week I cried! Just watching his grave made me cry. I know he is gone but it's just hard and I am crying while writing this NOW! I miss Papa So much!! I miss you SO much! I can't take it. It hurts!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday I'm Wishing it to My BELOVED BOYFRIEND! ARIEF!
Happy Birthday!!


Photo is by Me, Design is ugly but also by me!

Maccabee

It may sound odd or off to some people but I've been realizing that my writing experience has grown and I am happy. I'm worried though because I think my timing for writing is around 4.am in the morning or maybe some time there. It's a nuisance to people but I'm not really an owl! I do sleep! it's my favorite past time.

Anyway, today we had a tough day! Tired and exhausted! and SWEATY! My aunt Salmah is going for Umrah next week so we went to her home and do a Doa Selamat for her. My mom and Aunt Banun actually asked auntie salmah to pray for me, my two sisters, my sister friends, and some of my cousins. They asked that she prayed for us so that we can find a "JODOH" as in marriage. It's like soul mate. I am one half and my "JODOH" is the other half thus making the perfect soul mate. As of all you might know I already have some one in mind. I only love him know. Always. Arief.

Nothing very usual today, just went there, pray, eat, pack for reserve (food), left for home.

Now, I am really tired and I can't say much.

Together at the beach with A hollow sky



500px.com

Today, I will pray!

Little Thoughts On my Head

As day surpasses my life, moving on is not something i liked. I had hoped for the best but things has taken it's toll on me. I've become more lazy and increasingly tired as the minute goes by. I didn't care for what was going to happen because my life has lost it's glory and shine. I wouldn't care about anything even coming online was just boredom for me. Text Messages or phone calls just didn't do the trick for me. I needed fresh air and I needed a companion. I wanted to be hold again and be loved again just like how my father would. Though my life with my father was nothing but happy, I'd still miss him. I know this rather boring but i miss my old man who would stalk the refrigerator at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and watch the news on Astro.

At first writing about this blog would be a candy land express but now it doesn't look anything like icing on the cake or a big and lushes round lollipop. It doesn't look like it now. So i thought of renaming my blog to something that is more likely in tuned and at the same mood as I am but i have to figure it out again and remodel my blog again with the help of some blogskins and others.

I'm not being suicidal or goth neither are my emotions towards a self-destruction phase. I guess people go through this when they lost someone who is very dear and important to them. I hope I will get better soon and I hope that I will be happy in life. Though, something is telling me that I won't be the same funny little adorable person as I was before. I sort of feel like I'm no longer that women you would see walking down a street smiling or acting weirdly and talking to herself. I feel as if I am changed and grown up to look at the world differently and emotionally I've finally realized that it was time to make a move in life and make a living rather than see on my ass. My father sacrifice a lot for my education and I have to repay him somehow. I guess this is how. My working or graduating for my Degree or even gaining 410 millions hahahaha I have to work though to get it right?

so now! This is my ambition. To work and to gain the revenue I need to have a steady life and I won't have any assets or properties belonging to my late father because I am not eligible for it. I am over 21 the legal age and if I wanted anything, it wouldn't be determined now. I'm not hoping for anything but I just want something from my father and that is His Love and Affection as well as to know that he is Proud of me and Amazed to found out what I could achieved in Life. I'm not crazed for treasure and being rich or fanatic of having thousands or millions of properties but in life my father did say that "money is what driven people" Which is true, he once told me that the people around him only loved him because of his money and that people would no longer care about him if he had none. So, when he was at the top of his gain people would come and go till the day he had none, people already stop coming. He even added that my family ( 1st wife and 2nd wife) was also the same. We would treat him differently. But I didn't see it that way. I loved him no matter what. Like I said in my previous post, I didn't show my love for him, I hide it deep. But my mom loved him even with or without the money, I certainly saw it! Even when he died, it devastated my mother; it hurt her to have him leave us too early, My mother soul mate.

In dedication to him, My life would be for the gain and loss we suffered in life and to ensure our life would be different. We still miss u.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Papa

I've begin to doubt my writing. People hasn't really listened or what I'm writing isn't working at all. I'm trying my best to to what I can. I can't seem to have a bit of fate or faith in my mind after i lost my father. My Papa. My very handsome and honorable man in my life. I want to tell all of you about him. Things that my sister didn't write about him on her blog. Things no one can see because these was through my eyes and my heart for my papa.

Papa,
He was not like any other dad in the world. He would buy cigars and smoked them. On of his favorite things to do in the whole universe is his cigars. But i remembered when i grew up, another favorite past time of him was actually tonic. Papa loves to drink tonic and i didn't know why. I still don't know why. Papa was ill, he had diabetes, kidney problems and high blood pressure. So I guess it was good that he didn't die in the hospital with tubes in and out of him. I wouldn't want that. I wouldn't want him to suffer. I'm grateful that Allah has taken papa peacefully and that he didn't suffer or scream or anything you see in movies that involves people dying. He left us for good now. I know he is waiting for us there somewhere I hope he is waiting for me. I am very eager to meet him again. I can only see him in the next 40 or so years to come if i am blessed with life. I know papa is blessed with his life. People say Allah has taken papa early because Allah loves him and Allah doesn't want papa to see what the future might come or how bad everything will be. I am too because if the future has anything bad or worse coming our family way, I really don't want papa to see it. It would hurt him as it would to me. I know papa is watching over us. He is now watching me write all this just for him. Just for my love towards him. Nothing else.

You see, i remember him clearly. Very much. He is a man with dignity and passion. He loved us all, just he didn't show it. I guess it's because we were too much or we were so many. 13 of us to be exact! including him! That is so much for him to handle and I know why he didn't show any emotions because we were a pain in the ass or he was tired. He is ill but he was young only 57 years old. In the whole family, I am the only one who has the exact resemblance of him. Everyone said so. "OHHH! You look just like Him." as i recall i am a bit like him! I'm lazy, always tired, like history and i like to sleep. So does he! hahaha see the exact resemblance.

Papa, was only moody or angry that's because people would always fuss him with troubles and he was only sick and need massages to calm the pain down. I never told anyone anything but in the recent years i wanted to give part of my kidney to him. The time never come and now i can't do so anymore because he is gone. I remembered all the things i wanted to do with him. I wanted to graduate and have him to dance with me with the song called Leaving on a jet plane. I always thought that if he grow old i would take care of him and mama, and i would take them on trips especially to Makkah. or I would cook him the food he wants and just save him for all despair he had coming. I just wanted to save him for everything! I just didn't know how.

I didn't regret on losing him. I did what i could when he was alive. I told him I love him and that i protected my mom and be by her side when he is gone. Now, he is gone. I can't quite move on because part of me is missing part of me who is looking for love and acknowledgment so much is found but he is gone. My papa is gone and he is peacefully sleeping. I went looking for what I thought was love but it turns out he did loved me and he sacrifice everything for me. I know he is in a better place and that he is no longer ill or sick and I made me happy knowing that he is resting in peace. A part of me will always need him and part of me says, move on and stop dreaming that one day you wake up and he's there standing at your door saying "Aya! Bangun!" it means aya wake up! i have to accept the pain and grieve that stricken me and move on. But he won't be lost in my mind or my life. He is always beside me.

I want him and all of the world to know, how much I love my papa. And how much he means to me. I would cherish every bit of memory i got left of him to move on and let life takes its toll with me. I remembered him smiling, smoking his cigars, eating, and how he sleeps. I remember everything. I just want to have time to spend with him. That's all. For the time lost and for the time that is now gone. Papa, You are my father who embraced me and give me strength. I love you for all that you've done and for all you've made me today.

I love you papa! Always and Forever.
Dato' Sulaiman Bin Samat.
I am proud to say i am your beloved daughter and I am going to make you proud.
We will be seeing each other soon in times to come.
Semoga Arwah Papa Dicucuri Rahmat dan semoga Allah mengampuni Dosa-Dosa Papa.
I love you!

This is never a goodbye just a small time apart from each other. I will always believe that we will meet with each other soon. Till we meet again my dear beloved father.